You’ll be devastated to know that this could be my last piece for a while. Last night I had a knock on the door and was confronted by two heavies who had been hired by the political cartoonist Mumph, his message said there isn’t enough comedy to go around for two satirists in the Welsh political scene so I had to back off. If people wanted comedy, people would have to make do with him or Diane Abbott interviews.
I am going to ground for a bit…after this.
If I was Lynton Crosby, which, as I am typing this in my Thundercats pyjamas watching ‘Loose Women’, I obviously am not, I would be reminding Theresa MIA (geddit)…sorry May that this election is IT. It’s not best out of three and she actually has to make an effort to win. Maybe the Tories realise that Brexit is going to be so crap and difficult that they might give it a miss and let boring old Jezza do it, especially now he looks more serious and has stopped dressing like a geography teacher from Grange Hill circa 1978.
They have made omnishambles actually look strong and stable.
It probably started when Theresa, Queen of the Daleks, decided to make a massive fuss about bringing back fox hunting. Nobody expected a backlash after announcing something that 98% are violently opposed to. It was only then, surprised that millions of voters were against lots of people on horseback accompanied by a pack of dogs charging around the countryside trying to tear a fox to pieces, that they held back on the next day’s policy announcement on kitten face punching.
Maybe they have gone all creative and want this election to have a touch of the Hollywood (the film place not that creepy pastry chef) where the heroes are set to win but then they get into trouble right up until in the end where they come good and conquer all. Yay Tories.
Talking about Hollywood, a few weeks ago, if I had written here that Hugh Grant was going to be doing something in the Rhondda for Labour in the General Election, you in readerland would have said that I had gone too far. It’s happened though. Imagine that. A middle England luvvie, a darling of the media, inviting Hugh Grant to an event.
Next we’ll find out that Ieuan Wyn Jones, Plaid’s candidate up in Ynys Mon has managed to get Lady Gaga to draw the meat raffle in Llangefni’s young farmer’s club summer fete. You can imagine the town council going bananas because Plaid had forgotten to invite Lord Gaga as well.
I didn’t go to the talk in the Rhondda but I imagine it to have been a lot like if the Earl of Grantham and the Dowager countess from Downton Abbey decided to have a Q&A downstairs especially for Mr Carson, Anna, Daisy and Mrs Patmore. It didn’t just stop at Hugh though. Labour have brought star quality down to Wales not seen since Cinderella came to the Grand Theatre in last year’s Panto season.
Eddie Izzard is standard, and visits so often he has become the 5th best performing Labour campaigner in history – but the others were interesting. We had Steve Coogan in Wrexham who instead of playing someone who acts weirdly around real people, is supporting one.
A few days later it was the turn of Ross Kemp to visit the people of Wales. Having met and filmed some of the most feared gangsters, murderers, prisoners and organised criminals in the world he decided to go somewhere where really hard people lived and met voters in Port Talbot. With a world in flux and foreign policy and the direction of Great Britain and Northern Ireland for a generation under the spotlight, the first questions to Mr Kemp were:
‘Were you really, really sad when Tiffany died?’
‘Who would win in a fight between you and Grant?’
At least Labour have got stars and they turn up, Plaid have got Matthew Rhys but all he’s managed to do is send some warm words on a postcard so supporters can make a nice meme. The Lib Dem nominated star, John Cleese is still raising money to pay for his huge divorce and the Conservatives tried to bring somebody out but realised Jim Davidson had gone full UKIP and was crap.
Turning up…what an easy segway to the debate of this week.
Crosby must have been in touch with the Welsh Tories last week….
‘Hey underling, its Lynt here, as you know ‘Operation shoot selves in the face never mind the foot’ is in full flow so what I need from you is to split into two camps and have a humungous argument about who is not doing the leaders debates. Make it messy but also really public.’
They must have pushed back a bit because initially they were thinking about putting up Janet Finch Saunders’ hairdresser or anybody in Wales with red trousers, but thank heavens they had Darren Miller to save their skins.
It’ll all be over bar the counting Thursday night and all us neutrals can sit back and enjoy the election session. I enjoy it because everybody is so knackered they become more natural, say when things are terrible and sometimes bow down to gossip, and everybody likes a bit of goss. Well, almost everyone relaxes. Everyone except Plaid. They do the same thing every election night -despite evidence to the contrary and for absolutely no point whatsoever talk up their chances…
Host: So polls are 10 minutes from closing, how’s it looking?
Tory: Well we are quietly confident, it looks like the result we are looking for but time will tell.
Labour: It’s a tough night in some of our areas but look at where we are compared to 4 weeks ago, there is a change of attitude in Britain and we are best placed to benefit.
Lib Dems: An awful night but we’ve made small gains and it’s a solid base to fight from.
Plaid: We are going to win 42 seats.
Host: But there are only 40 in Wales?
Plaid: Yup, Nicola Sturgeon has lent us Banff and Buchan and we are hearing good things from Nottingham West because my Uncle Dilwyn and Auntie Anwen moved there last summer.
Host: We have just heard that Wrexham result has come in and you haven’t won
Plaid: Yes we have…
Party discipline til the end.
So, we are into the last week now and even the most ardent politico must feel a bit of election fatigue. Even Daran Hill is a bit grumpy… We have to feel sympathy and respect for the candidates of all parties. They must be knackered, buffeted by negative events sometimes hundreds of miles away, despite them working every hour sent.
They take crap from all sections just for fighting for something they believe in. They are braver people than me.
I have to go, there is some angry looking bloke outside the door with an easel and some paints, just going to see what he wants….
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